My sleep schedule is off-kilter, meaning that instead of being productive, I am sleeping late and being slothful, but that is only part of what is bothering me.
I am so overwhelmed by my situation right now. I had so many plans for productivity this summer, so many fun little projects I wanted to do around the house to surprise J when he got back from St. Louis. My wheels have gotten bogged down in a mud patch, and they keep sinking deeper and I'm tired of spinning them. I am so mad at myself because I can't even keep up with the chores required to keep the house tidy when I am the only one living in it. I am mad at J for being in St. Louis (even though I know intellectually that this is completely irrational and unfair, I'm not going to lie about my emotions...). I'm mad at the cats, because they need my care when I am too disgruntled to even care for myself. I'm mad at everyone who ever told me that it would be a great experience to be on my own for a summer. I'm mad at myself for not having a great experience being on my own. I'm mad at myself for being a Person Who Is Dependent On Her Partner. This is not the person I used to think that I was, or the person I used to think that I wanted to be. What the fuck happened to the me I used to be?
I moved around a lot when I was a kid, so "home" has always been more about the people than the place to me. I cringe at the sentimental thought that "J is my home now," but I guess it's true, if not an exclusive condition.
I'm trying to get back to the NW to visit my family. To hug my mom. To see the ocean, mountains, desert and river that I love. I am mad that I don't get to go to the NW very often. I am mad that I live so far away from my family. I am mad at the world because the tickets are expensive. I want to go- it's my grandparents' 60th wedding anniversary! I haven't seen the Pacific Ocean in 3 years (waaaayyyy too long!) But I feel like in order to make it worth the cost and the inconvenience my parents will go through to host me, and to schlepp me back and forth across the state. I should go for a week, and not just a weekend. But I don't really want to go for a whole week. I don't have so very many close friends in the NW anymore (yet another thing to be mad about, although I know I haven't done the best job of maintaining these friendships over time).
A week is a long time to spend just with family. What will I do? Will I be more lonely there than I am here? Who will watch my cats? Will I get any more or less work done there than here? I don't really want to go for that long.... Or maybe I do? I don't know what I want right now, and it's making me cranky and crazy.
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Frida's has half price margaritas tomorrow (thursday), which cures any loneliness ailments when enjoying them with friends, especially ones named Christine.
ReplyDeleteSymptoms of feeling unproductive can be temporarily alleviated when enjoying tea at Dobhan while knitting/crafting. I hear it's also most effective when accompanied by friends named Christine.
Tonight I have plans with friends who are not named Christine, but I would love to have some plans in the very near future with a friend named Christine! What are you doing tomorrow (Friday)? Call me! :)
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